I find myself itching to write, but not really sure what to write about. For those of you that have been following me on Instagram, Facebook, twitter, or through my podcasts, you’ll know that “life” has kinda taken over recently - and by recently I mean the past 6 months or so. I’ve tried to open up about this, and say as much as I can, without saying too much, but I don’t think my vagueness translates well.
Basically, I’ve been living through a self-imposed hell, with sparks of light occasionally, that make me believe that things are going to be ok. I’ve questioned why I’ve continued to put myself through said hell, and so far, the only answer I have is that I’m a masochist and I hate change. Period.
Work has been hard - it’s been tedious and terrifying. It’s pushed me to my limits and beyond. It’s literally broken me down to the very core of who I am, and I’m still waiting for it to build me back up stronger than I was before. I talk, all the time, about these “lessons” in life being what makes us stronger. I say that I wont let it break me. I tell all my followers to look to the future, because the moments right now aren’t going to mean anything in 5 years time… and as true as all of that is… in the moment, in the now - it sucks!
So, professionally, I’ve been faced with huge changes in my career. The company I work for was sold to a new owner just over a year ago. An owner that is on opposite ends of the spectrum from the previous owner. It’s been a hard year of adjustments, and learning to understand and migrate to the new expectations, and rebuilding my credibility with someone that hasn’t been a part of my astronomical growth in the company. Someone who, until recently, I don’t believe knew my value or understood even what I did on a daily basis. It’s extremely hard to go from being on top of your game, with a team and a superior that believed in me so much so that he essentially trusted in almost all of my decisions, instincts and initiatives - to someone where I’m fighting tooth and nail to prove my value (to the point of making lists of every single thing I did throughout the day to show just how much I handle, and how much rests solely on me).
I’ve taken on work within the company, that I’ve never had to handle before - and I don’t just mean a few extra hours, or dealing with a new client. I’ve stepped into an operations role (on top of my role as an executive manager) to run a project that is 5x greater than the largest project we, as company, have ever run - with no experience. Although I’ve stepped into this role, and managed to turn the job around, it has still cost the company in time, materials, resources, and liabilities - and for that reason, I feel like I’ve failed.
Failure to me, is probably one of the greatest weaknesses I could possibly possess. Again, I push how failure is inevitable, how failure is part of life, how we must embrace failure to grow and to improve… and all the things that every self-help book teaches us about bettering our lives… But I refuse to accept failure in my own life. I refuse to fail, to fall short, to finish behind my own expectations - and boy oh boy have I failed on this project.
All of this weighs so heavily on me, it drags me down, from wanting to do anything that brings me joy. I try to step away from work, to focus on creative passions, but because I know I’ve failed, I have this enormous guilt complex that tells me I need to be working hard, more hours, more effort, even in my down time, to prove that I’m not a failure. To prove that I’m worthy of my salary, my position.
I guess in many ways, imposter syndrome doesn’t only hit me in my creative endeavors, but in my career life as well. I feel like a fake. I feel like the only reason I’ve succeeded is because of my drive, my ability to read people and give them what they need, my ability to speak and write in ways that throw people (especially in construction) a little off balance - but these all feel like fraud. They feel like a ploy to further convince people of an ability or capacity to manage when all I’m doing is faking it.
This is digging in far deeper to a topic than I’d originally planned on posting, and at this point, I don’t even really believe it’s going to be published, sooo.. just get it out Sammi - put words on paper and be vulnerable - chances are this will never see the light of day.
I’ve been failing in every aspect of my life. My creative passions suffer because I feel guilty working on my writing when I’m failing in my career. My friendships are suffering, because I’m so engulfed with work, that I feel like every conversation I have is about the struggles I’m going through, and I don’t want to be that person, nor do I constantly want to talk about my life, so I listen to everyone else, and avoid opening up - which makes the people closest to me think I’m distancing myself. My health is declining, I’m always exhausted, and tired, and lethargic. I’ve even put my gym membership on hold because it had been two months since I’d been, and I was tired of watching my money go to pay for… nothing.
So what am I going to do about it? I honestly don’t know… those sparks of light that give me hope - they are coming more frequently… and I’m trying to carve out time for me. I’m trying to find ways to find joy and light. I’m trying to force myself to take time to focus on what makes me happy, but it all feels so selfish.
This post isn’t about providing content, or even context. I guess it’s just a way for me to put into words where my head is at, where I’m struggling - and hopefully - it’s just one more step in this journey, one more hurdle to overcome, and to look back on. Maybe this is imposter syndrome, or maybe I’m using some fad concept to hide my true inadequacies. I guess only time will tell.